I haven’t written about you since you decided not to talk to me but after my surprising breakdown last Tuesday, after drinks with the one great love of my life no less, I think it is time for me to write about you no matter what it ends up being.
It began with a kiss. Which is funny, now that I think about it. I may or may not have fallen in love with you that night. You were quiet and disarming and polite when you asked about my ex-boyfriend, when you asked if you could kiss me. Soonafter, you were in my birthday party, a random dinner with my college friends, out for drinks with us somewhere along Katipunan Extension.
We then started going out together, without our friends who have begun to ask “ano ba kayo?” It was a question we always evaded and ignored. I chose not to answer and overthink because we have grown to become friends, and I have once lost a friendship because of becoming someone more than a friend. You chose not to answer for reasons I never heard of.
We went out for four years.
One night we were out with friends (more yours than mine) and at some point I felt cornered. Suddenly all these questions about who we were to each other and why we were together, questions I have learned to brush off and avoid, were being asked over and over again by people whom I haven’t even talked to before. And there you were, sitting while choosing to break your silence every once in a while, coming up with safe answers to simple questions such as “are you happy?”
And then someone asked the question we’ve been so used to hearing: “So are you guys more than friends?”
I looked at you and I told you I wouldn’t answer that question, but you could answer it if you want. Your reply to that question was the last thing I expected to hear that night, because it was far from safe, far from indefinite.
“Yes, we’re more than friends,” you said.
Countless dinners, a trip to Malaysia, and more than a year later, here we are not having seen each other for four months and not having talked properly at around the same amount of time. You fell off the face of the earth like disappearing was no big effort to you, like it should not be a big deal to me.
Maybe this is why I refused to say I love you. Because I knew deep in my heart you would leave me, because we both knew I was nothing to you.
So much for being more than a friend. I’m sorry for trying so hard to be with you. I could have loved you and we could have been better than this but we are not and this is where it ends. It was a relationship, and it wasn’t. It was what it was, and we were together.
I was yours.